40 Life Lessons I Wish I’d Known at 20

Turning 40 and Looking Back.

Today is my 40th birthday. It’s a strange milestone. You look back and realize just how much you didn’t know when you were younger.

If I could go back in time and sit down with my 20-year-old self, I wouldn’t give him winning lottery numbers. I would give him this list. These are the hard truths, the simple rules, and the life lessons that took me two decades to learn.

Here is everything I know at 40.

The Relationship With Yourself

1. How you treat yourself sets the standard.

If you treat yourself poorly, you will attract people who treat you poorly. If you respect yourself, you will only tolerate people who respect you. It starts with you.

2. Self-esteem comes from action.

You can’t think your way into feeling better. You have to do things worth feeling good about. Respect is earned, even from yourself.

3. The only real failure is doing nothing.

Rejection is better than regret. Success and failure are just ideas in your head until you actually try. If you sit still, you’ve already failed.

4. No one is coming to save you.

No goal, no person, and no amount of money will “fix” you. You will always feel a little unsatisfied. That is normal. Accepting this frees you to take charge of your own life.

Health and Habits

5. Be the person you want to date.

If you want a fit, loyal, and honest partner, you must be fit, loyal, and honest. Would you date you? If the answer is “no,” you have work to do.

6. The good stuff takes time.

Health, wealth, and confidence compound slowly. They are boring when you are young. But if you start early, by the time you are 40, you will be unstoppable.

7. “Fun” has diminishing returns.

Partying, video games, and distractions are great the first time. But the 100th time? It’s just empty. Real happiness doesn’t come from cheap thrills.

8. Learn to say no.

If you aren’t turning down exciting opportunities, you aren’t focused enough. You can’t do everything. Pick what matters and say “no” to the rest.

Ownership

9. Responsibility kills suffering.

It sounds backward, but taking responsibility for your problems makes you feel better. It gives you the power to fix them.

10. Blame makes you weak.

When you blame others, you give them power over your happiness. Don’t let other people dictate your life. Keep the power.

11. Don’t say it, be it.

Rich people don’t brag about money. Confident people don’t talk about how confident they are. If you have to tell people what you are, you probably aren’t.

12. Action creates motivation.

Don’t wait to feel motivated. Just do something small. The action produces the motivation, not the other way around.

Work and Passion

13. Commitment creates love.

You don’t commit because the relationship is perfect. You commit to make the relationship perfect.

14. Passion follows competence.

Don’t wait to find your passion. Go get good at something. Once you are good at it, the passion will come.

15. Everything has a cost.

The person you marry is the person you fight with. The house you buy is the house you have to repair. Every joy comes with a sacrifice. Choose the struggles you are willing to handle.

16. Seek meaningful stress.

A happy life isn’t a life without stress. It’s a life where the stress means something to you.

Mental & Physical Health

17. Exercise is an investment.

Don’t exercise to “burn off” a burger. Exercise to get energy. You put energy in, and you get more energy back over weeks and months.

18. Meditation is a superpower.

I learned this late. Sitting in silence, even for 10 minutes, makes everything else in life easier. It lowers stress and clears your head.

19. Trust people.

Yes, you might get hurt. But living a life where you don’t trust anyone is a miserable way to exist. Trust is worth the risk.

20. Problems never end.

You will never have a problem-free life. You just exchange bad problems for better problems. A homeless man has money problems; a billionaire has money problems. The billionaire’s problems are just better to have.

Growing Up

21. Growth hurts.

When you grow, you lose things. You lose old friends, old habits, and your old identity. It’s okay to grieve that loss.

22. Normal is overrated.

Statistically, a “normal” person is out of shape, in debt, and anxious. Don’t try to be normal.

23. You are defined by what you reject.

If you say “yes” to everything, you stand for nothing. Your identity comes from what you are willing to give up.

24. Keep your identity loose.

Don’t box yourself in. If you decide “I am this type of person,” you trap yourself. Be willing to change.

Social Truths

25. Don’t assume you know people.

You have no idea what others are going through. Be kind. Also, don’t assume you know yourself—we are often blind to our own flaws.

26. No one is thinking about you.

You worry about what people think, but they are too busy worrying about what you think of them. This is liberating. You are free.

27. Confidence is comfort with failure.

A narcissist needs to win all the time. A confident person is okay with losing because they know they will be fine regardless.

28. Be willing to be disliked.

If you want to do anything important, some people won’t like it. That is the price of making an impact.

Practical Advice

29. Floss and wear sunscreen.

I sound like your mother, but trust me. In 20 years, your teeth and your skin will thank you.

30. Consistency wins.

Overnight success is a myth. Great results come from doing ordinary things for an extraordinary amount of time.

31. A partner is everything.

Your spouse is your roommate, business partner, therapist, and travel buddy. Choose wisely.

32. Love is not enough.

Love doesn’t fix trust issues. Love doesn’t pay the rent. Love is beautiful, but a healthy relationship needs trust and respect to survive.

Relationship Truths

33. Trust is currency.

It takes years to build trust and seconds to break it. Honesty pays off in the long run.

34. You are the common denominator.

If all your relationships have the exact same problem… you are the problem.

35. There are no bad emotions.

Anger, sadness, and fear are useful if you use them correctly. It’s not about the feeling; it’s about how you respond to it.

36. Mornings are better than late nights.

I used to hate admitting this. But getting up early to work or train feels better than staying up late doing nothing.

Final Wisdom

37. You have nothing to prove.

Read that again. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, including yourself. You are enough.

38. Advice is like clothing.

Try it on. If it doesn’t fit, throw it away. Even this article—take what helps you and ignore the rest.

39. Struggle gives meaning.

We think we want an easy life, but we don’t. We value the things we work hard for. Stop avoiding the hard stuff.

40. It is never too late.

A friend told me a story about his grandmother. She started playing piano at age 62. Everyone told her she was too old. By the time she was 90, she had been playing every day for nearly 30 years. She played like a master.

I didn’t start my career until my late 20s. I started new projects in my late 30s. There is always time. The only failure is sitting around thinking it’s too late to start.

Life is long. You have time. Start today.

[Mark Manson]